This Fathers Day was supposed to go down in the history books as our greatest one ever. Today we were supposed to wake up early and take a test and get the good news we were hoping for. We were going to surprise everyone and actually get to see the excitement in their faces when we told everyone our good news. But it just did not happen that way.....
Instead, Friday morning we all got up and started a nice morning. We made coffee Alex and Bailee played in the living room while I got ready to go into work so my Mom could leave work early to get everything prepared for one of her elaborate amazing parties. I sent a picture to some friends and family of my fertility tracker saying that I had two days till I could take a test. And not even five minutes later I got an unpleasant surprise.. My typically 50-70 day cycle had started. Day 28, two days till we could test and we get a big fat NOPE. It doesn't get any more clear than that. I guess I should be grateful that I did have to waste the expensive tests I bought.
I truly thought I was pregnant. Its pretty unfair that the hormone injections literally make you feel like your experiencing early pregnancy. Nausea, vomiting and irritability among other things truly had me thinking we had this!
This whole situation made me realize that it can always be worse. This was far worse than just finding out we were not pregnant after taking some infertility drugs and kinda going in blind...not knowing if I had even produced a healthy follicle to even have a successful round of trying. Because with IUI you take the drugs, you do all the scans and imaging required to know whether your body responded. You do the injections to trigger ovulation and you have the procedure done. They check and make sure everything is as perfect as it can be for you to have you greatest chance at success. So even though the actual chance of success only goes up 20% it still gave me this serious hopefulness. I felt like it was just the perfect circumstance. The first time we wanted to do IUI we did all the imaging and were told we should wait. This time we were told everything looks incredible! And were highly encouraged to proceed with our first round. So when we did the math and realized the dreaded two week wait would end on Fathers Day, we could not help but think this was our time. Because how unlucky do you have to be to try for years and then get the go ahead for an expensive procedure then find out the reveal day lands right on Fathers Day....and then also find out its not your lucky day and although its Fathers Day weekend which would have been an incredible time to find out we were going to be parents again....Well were not going to be parents again. 😢😢😢 So that was a messed up turn of fate.
I like being open about all the stuff we are doing, I know a lot of people struggle with infertility and cant conceive or they cant sustain a pregnancy and lose their child. I don't think that it is something that should not be talked about or kept in the dark. So I usually update those who are interested. But this time was different, this time really sucked. On every level this disappointment hurt so much more. It was the whole deal...the cost and feeling like we flushed a large quantity of money right down the drain. The emotions because of how exciting the procedure was...they were eliminating so many potential obstacles by doing the IUI. It felt so meant to be! Im not crazy, I was aware of the less than incredible odds..but I let myself get excited because it was, well....exciting! I know that it can take several rounds, but I let myself think we deserved this. We cant afford to do more than a few rounds so I though surely this was it! It was time! But it wasn't. For whatever reason it just was not our time. I can't wrap my head around it...I don't think I really have wrapped my head around the fact that we lost this round. And up until yesterday I didn't know when we would be able to do another one. It expensive and we are not made of money...I checked.. I kicked Alex to see if he would jinggle or crinkle but all he did was complain. So I am positive we cant keep this up for long.
So Friday I called my Doctor and let him know what was going on and told him we would not be able to do anther round of IUI until August. Part of me felt relief because I knew I would not have to go through another round of intense emotions like I had just been through. I thought a small break would be good for me and I could focus on all the crazy stuff going on in July. But Saturday my husband called me with crazy news. He had been speaking with his mom and telling her the bad news and she offered to pay for our next round of IUI. So instead of losing momentum and taking a break, we now get to go full steam ahead into another round of IUI this month. So naturally the news had me sobbing once again! This whole journey had turned me in to such an emotional wreck, I am seriously sooooo over crying.
The strangest thing happened to me when I spoke with my Mother in Law after hearing from my husband....I kinda stopped feeling sad. I was pretty depressed about our lack of success and not knowing what we were going to do now. But knowing that we had another shot at it so quickly gave me hope and made me feel more at peace. I am so grateful for such supportive family members, I cant imagine a life without them. And I am so happy to have been given another chance because of her generosity.
So here I am, scared as hell...I am so nervous to begin this all again. The two week waiting period is literally 14 days of hell. Like I said before, I was so jacked up on hormones and feeling weird and tired and sick that I was actually smiling at one point while hurling my dinner all over the place. I was thinking woooohoooo finally throwing up for a good reason. I truly thought it had worked. So it messed with my head, I felt down and depressed some days because I was thinking there was no way we were this lucky. There was no way it worked, we never get good news and I honestly have a hard time believing it will ever work. And thats the truth. Because I dont know why we cant get pregnant, I mean I know a couple medical reasons sure...but we have done it. We got pregnant....so it is possible. But I dont understand why it has to be so hard for us. I dont want to spend years on drugs and cry a lot and feel sad and depressed off and on every month. Its not who I am...I am not that person. I am happy, I enjoy getting out and doing things. But feeling like that has a way of making you suck at everything and make everything feel so hard and exhausting. Im ready to not feel like that again. I love my life and I want to get back to a time where that is easier to remember every single day without these thoughts that I am failing and am not good enough. Because I know that is not true, I really do know that! But sometimes my tired overly hormonal brain wont let me remember how great everything is. But I do know, I have a incredible husband and we made a beautiful daughter. We have done well for ourselves and through all this depressing crap we still love the hell out of each other.
I enjoy getting my thoughts out at the end of a cycle...kinda recap on all the hell and just reminding myself Im fine. I can do this. Im still struggling with the repercussions of being so open about everything, people tend to ask a lot of questions. And Im open to answering them once I have dealt with all my emotions over the latest disappointment. We have a lot of people that care and want to know whats going on and if we were successful. And its really hard to tell everyone that we weren't. I am so tired of always having bad news. I feel like I am writing a book that is a total cliff hanger and I cant wrap up the book with a happy ending so it just keeps dragging on and on and wont just ennnnnnd! I hate books like that. Unfortunately, that is the just the way our infertility journey is going. I hope it ends soon. A happy ending is preferred. But either way, at some point its gonna end.
Instead, Friday morning we all got up and started a nice morning. We made coffee Alex and Bailee played in the living room while I got ready to go into work so my Mom could leave work early to get everything prepared for one of her elaborate amazing parties. I sent a picture to some friends and family of my fertility tracker saying that I had two days till I could take a test. And not even five minutes later I got an unpleasant surprise.. My typically 50-70 day cycle had started. Day 28, two days till we could test and we get a big fat NOPE. It doesn't get any more clear than that. I guess I should be grateful that I did have to waste the expensive tests I bought.
I truly thought I was pregnant. Its pretty unfair that the hormone injections literally make you feel like your experiencing early pregnancy. Nausea, vomiting and irritability among other things truly had me thinking we had this!
This whole situation made me realize that it can always be worse. This was far worse than just finding out we were not pregnant after taking some infertility drugs and kinda going in blind...not knowing if I had even produced a healthy follicle to even have a successful round of trying. Because with IUI you take the drugs, you do all the scans and imaging required to know whether your body responded. You do the injections to trigger ovulation and you have the procedure done. They check and make sure everything is as perfect as it can be for you to have you greatest chance at success. So even though the actual chance of success only goes up 20% it still gave me this serious hopefulness. I felt like it was just the perfect circumstance. The first time we wanted to do IUI we did all the imaging and were told we should wait. This time we were told everything looks incredible! And were highly encouraged to proceed with our first round. So when we did the math and realized the dreaded two week wait would end on Fathers Day, we could not help but think this was our time. Because how unlucky do you have to be to try for years and then get the go ahead for an expensive procedure then find out the reveal day lands right on Fathers Day....and then also find out its not your lucky day and although its Fathers Day weekend which would have been an incredible time to find out we were going to be parents again....Well were not going to be parents again. 😢😢😢 So that was a messed up turn of fate.
I like being open about all the stuff we are doing, I know a lot of people struggle with infertility and cant conceive or they cant sustain a pregnancy and lose their child. I don't think that it is something that should not be talked about or kept in the dark. So I usually update those who are interested. But this time was different, this time really sucked. On every level this disappointment hurt so much more. It was the whole deal...the cost and feeling like we flushed a large quantity of money right down the drain. The emotions because of how exciting the procedure was...they were eliminating so many potential obstacles by doing the IUI. It felt so meant to be! Im not crazy, I was aware of the less than incredible odds..but I let myself get excited because it was, well....exciting! I know that it can take several rounds, but I let myself think we deserved this. We cant afford to do more than a few rounds so I though surely this was it! It was time! But it wasn't. For whatever reason it just was not our time. I can't wrap my head around it...I don't think I really have wrapped my head around the fact that we lost this round. And up until yesterday I didn't know when we would be able to do another one. It expensive and we are not made of money...I checked.. I kicked Alex to see if he would jinggle or crinkle but all he did was complain. So I am positive we cant keep this up for long.
So Friday I called my Doctor and let him know what was going on and told him we would not be able to do anther round of IUI until August. Part of me felt relief because I knew I would not have to go through another round of intense emotions like I had just been through. I thought a small break would be good for me and I could focus on all the crazy stuff going on in July. But Saturday my husband called me with crazy news. He had been speaking with his mom and telling her the bad news and she offered to pay for our next round of IUI. So instead of losing momentum and taking a break, we now get to go full steam ahead into another round of IUI this month. So naturally the news had me sobbing once again! This whole journey had turned me in to such an emotional wreck, I am seriously sooooo over crying.
The strangest thing happened to me when I spoke with my Mother in Law after hearing from my husband....I kinda stopped feeling sad. I was pretty depressed about our lack of success and not knowing what we were going to do now. But knowing that we had another shot at it so quickly gave me hope and made me feel more at peace. I am so grateful for such supportive family members, I cant imagine a life without them. And I am so happy to have been given another chance because of her generosity.
So here I am, scared as hell...I am so nervous to begin this all again. The two week waiting period is literally 14 days of hell. Like I said before, I was so jacked up on hormones and feeling weird and tired and sick that I was actually smiling at one point while hurling my dinner all over the place. I was thinking woooohoooo finally throwing up for a good reason. I truly thought it had worked. So it messed with my head, I felt down and depressed some days because I was thinking there was no way we were this lucky. There was no way it worked, we never get good news and I honestly have a hard time believing it will ever work. And thats the truth. Because I dont know why we cant get pregnant, I mean I know a couple medical reasons sure...but we have done it. We got pregnant....so it is possible. But I dont understand why it has to be so hard for us. I dont want to spend years on drugs and cry a lot and feel sad and depressed off and on every month. Its not who I am...I am not that person. I am happy, I enjoy getting out and doing things. But feeling like that has a way of making you suck at everything and make everything feel so hard and exhausting. Im ready to not feel like that again. I love my life and I want to get back to a time where that is easier to remember every single day without these thoughts that I am failing and am not good enough. Because I know that is not true, I really do know that! But sometimes my tired overly hormonal brain wont let me remember how great everything is. But I do know, I have a incredible husband and we made a beautiful daughter. We have done well for ourselves and through all this depressing crap we still love the hell out of each other.
I enjoy getting my thoughts out at the end of a cycle...kinda recap on all the hell and just reminding myself Im fine. I can do this. Im still struggling with the repercussions of being so open about everything, people tend to ask a lot of questions. And Im open to answering them once I have dealt with all my emotions over the latest disappointment. We have a lot of people that care and want to know whats going on and if we were successful. And its really hard to tell everyone that we weren't. I am so tired of always having bad news. I feel like I am writing a book that is a total cliff hanger and I cant wrap up the book with a happy ending so it just keeps dragging on and on and wont just ennnnnnd! I hate books like that. Unfortunately, that is the just the way our infertility journey is going. I hope it ends soon. A happy ending is preferred. But either way, at some point its gonna end.
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