As I have mentioned many times before, Im not shy about sharing what has been going on in our lives regarding the struggle to conceive. I do not have a problem sharing information about procedures and treatments or even my emotional state through the whole process. Its kind of a package deal actually. I share whats going on currently and throw in sarcastic and grumpy statements about one thing or another. So that being said, my update for today sucks. I do not have a single ounce of good news, And where some are going to try and grasp at one and possibly try to make me feel better.....Ill just plead in advance.....DON'T DO IT! Most people don't manage to say the right thing anyway...not that there really is a right thing to say, so its more that people don't know what the "wrong" thing to say would be and then they say it. I know people care and want to be supportive, which is why I post about what we are doing and how things are going. But with all the raging emotions I commonly am battling its virtually impossible to not want to plug my ears and scream when I have to listen to another person tell me it will be my turn soon. Or it will happen when it is supposed to, Or that I just have to stop trying....the list of terrible things to say to someone that is dealing with infertility is endless! Its almost unfair to everyone I know. People should not have to feel like they are walking on eggshells whenever I am around for fear of saying the wrong thing. But the truth is..its almost all "wrong". Im not crazy, I know when someone is being genuine and wishes me well and hopes that we will be blessed with another baby! Which is why I have not ever reached over and slapped someone for using one of my off limit phrases! But being rational is really hard sometimes! Its hard to not wallow in self pity. I know that some people have it worse than I do, I know that not only are there worse things happening to other people out in the world but also that some women are told they will never have a child. I KNOW. but being reminded of that helps no one. I remind myself all the time. Because like I said. Im not crazy. I am very rational! However while on a ten day stretch of living in my bathroom for fear of spewing up any food left in my stomach all because my body made the decision to be worthless that month and not self generate a cycle...well...basically I get real pissed off. Then I get a nice three day break....then another five days of being sick and living in the bathroom for one reason or another. So yea I get it, some people are worse off....but I have to live with what I am dealing with. I have to find a way to balance it all, feed my child and keep my house running while I deal with what feels like waaaay too much. So all that being said.....here's the crappy scoop!
As I am sure many gathered, we did not get to do our first round of IUI (Inter Uterine Insemination). I had a follicle study done to check and see if I had a mature egg that wanted to be a total boss and become a little baby....and after a crap load of money spent to get that information the answer was a solid NO. Actually more like a HELL NO! My test came back horrible. My follicles failed me big time. not that I am surprised in the slightest. So my trigger injection is still sitting in my refrigerator just waiting for the miraculous day my body stops hating me and decides to work with me not against me.
At this point...I am barely hanging in there. I am FED UP with this process in so many ways. I have a constant nagging feeling of failure. Which most the time I slap around a bit then shove it back down its deep dark hole. But honestly the worst part is anxiety, I am in a constant waiting period. I am always waiting for something, another test another treatment drug another disappointing phone call another expensive thing to throw our money at. And It just feels like I am always waiting for another way to be disappointed. Some weeks I have a hard time getting anything done, I feel like I am expecting something and I just need the days to pass as quick as possible so I can get the new or test results I have been waiting for. I am always wishing time away and It is an awful way to live. The biggest reason being Bailee. She deserves the best of me at all times, but she seldom receives it. And that breaks my heart. Its harder doing this the second time around because of her. But she is the main reason I try so hard. She deserves to grow up with a brother or sister to love, she will be so good to her sibling. Sometimes my heart hurts watching her play alone. She loves playing with other kids even when they are younger than her. And so on days when I feel like I am not giving any of the good parts of me, I try really hard to remember all the reason Im doing this. I may be sick a lot because of the Femara and Provera and have to remind myself to feed her and bathe her and do normal things that good moms do. But I am doing it for more reason than just wanting to be pregnant. Im doing it for more than just getting to cuddle a sweet new baby, I am doing this because having a family is amazing. It is really important to me and it always will be. I want Bailee to know what it feels like to have a forever best friend. Someone who will always have her back and will look up to her. I have a million reasons for not being ready to give up. But sooner or later the time will come. Im not even close to ready.
If we can not get pregnant this year and we do not have any real success pin pointing the problem I have to be ready to put an end to this. I can not put my husband and child through this forever. And I can not feel this way forever. I am not the best me, I am not the best wife and mother I can be when I am feeling this way. Hormones and infertility drugs are hard on relationships and hard on your body. It seems that no matter what I try my fitness comes to a screeching halt for about 15 days a month....that is most of the month! I need to be able to give myself a fair chance to get really healthy both physically and mentally. Constant disappointment really does a number on your head. With only being able to actually try and get pregnant a few days a month every 60 days because of my wacked out cycle it makes it feel like the clock is really ticking. And I just cant keep going with that knowledge it gives me too much anxiety. I have to prioritize my relationships above grasping at a potentially impossible straw. I love my marriage and my baby girl enough to know when I have to call it quits. Its a really hard thing to deal with, I am not a quitter. But I have been trying to get pregnant for a little over 4 of the 6 years Alex and I have been married. I almost dont remember what It feels like to actually have other goals. But I really like the idea of either having a new baby to immerse myself in since Bailee will be in school soon. Or really get hardcore about my fitness. I have other interest besides obsessing over getting pregnant, I just need to remember what I used to do before my whole world was consumed by getting pregnant then being a mom then trying to get pregnant. I think at some point somewhere in there I was a pretty kick ass wife. I also used to keep up on the laundry pretty good and mopped my floors twice a week. I have a lot to give, and one way or another Im going to get back to giving my best to everyone in my life. Whether that includes a sweet little second edition.....well we shall see...
As I am sure many gathered, we did not get to do our first round of IUI (Inter Uterine Insemination). I had a follicle study done to check and see if I had a mature egg that wanted to be a total boss and become a little baby....and after a crap load of money spent to get that information the answer was a solid NO. Actually more like a HELL NO! My test came back horrible. My follicles failed me big time. not that I am surprised in the slightest. So my trigger injection is still sitting in my refrigerator just waiting for the miraculous day my body stops hating me and decides to work with me not against me.
At this point...I am barely hanging in there. I am FED UP with this process in so many ways. I have a constant nagging feeling of failure. Which most the time I slap around a bit then shove it back down its deep dark hole. But honestly the worst part is anxiety, I am in a constant waiting period. I am always waiting for something, another test another treatment drug another disappointing phone call another expensive thing to throw our money at. And It just feels like I am always waiting for another way to be disappointed. Some weeks I have a hard time getting anything done, I feel like I am expecting something and I just need the days to pass as quick as possible so I can get the new or test results I have been waiting for. I am always wishing time away and It is an awful way to live. The biggest reason being Bailee. She deserves the best of me at all times, but she seldom receives it. And that breaks my heart. Its harder doing this the second time around because of her. But she is the main reason I try so hard. She deserves to grow up with a brother or sister to love, she will be so good to her sibling. Sometimes my heart hurts watching her play alone. She loves playing with other kids even when they are younger than her. And so on days when I feel like I am not giving any of the good parts of me, I try really hard to remember all the reason Im doing this. I may be sick a lot because of the Femara and Provera and have to remind myself to feed her and bathe her and do normal things that good moms do. But I am doing it for more reason than just wanting to be pregnant. Im doing it for more than just getting to cuddle a sweet new baby, I am doing this because having a family is amazing. It is really important to me and it always will be. I want Bailee to know what it feels like to have a forever best friend. Someone who will always have her back and will look up to her. I have a million reasons for not being ready to give up. But sooner or later the time will come. Im not even close to ready.
If we can not get pregnant this year and we do not have any real success pin pointing the problem I have to be ready to put an end to this. I can not put my husband and child through this forever. And I can not feel this way forever. I am not the best me, I am not the best wife and mother I can be when I am feeling this way. Hormones and infertility drugs are hard on relationships and hard on your body. It seems that no matter what I try my fitness comes to a screeching halt for about 15 days a month....that is most of the month! I need to be able to give myself a fair chance to get really healthy both physically and mentally. Constant disappointment really does a number on your head. With only being able to actually try and get pregnant a few days a month every 60 days because of my wacked out cycle it makes it feel like the clock is really ticking. And I just cant keep going with that knowledge it gives me too much anxiety. I have to prioritize my relationships above grasping at a potentially impossible straw. I love my marriage and my baby girl enough to know when I have to call it quits. Its a really hard thing to deal with, I am not a quitter. But I have been trying to get pregnant for a little over 4 of the 6 years Alex and I have been married. I almost dont remember what It feels like to actually have other goals. But I really like the idea of either having a new baby to immerse myself in since Bailee will be in school soon. Or really get hardcore about my fitness. I have other interest besides obsessing over getting pregnant, I just need to remember what I used to do before my whole world was consumed by getting pregnant then being a mom then trying to get pregnant. I think at some point somewhere in there I was a pretty kick ass wife. I also used to keep up on the laundry pretty good and mopped my floors twice a week. I have a lot to give, and one way or another Im going to get back to giving my best to everyone in my life. Whether that includes a sweet little second edition.....well we shall see...
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