Today was quite the day. I have spent about 4 hours total on the phone and I am currently waiting for a call back. I slept maybe 3 hours last night because of all the anxiety and worry I was feeling.
Last night I got a phone call from my doctors office, they said that they had got a call from Central Oregon Radiology saying that I could not proceed with the appointment I had scheduled with them for an HSG. The reason being my severe allergy to CT contrast. Last week I called them and made my appointment for Monday the 12th of December. I was very hopeful and excited. This procedure is a necessary stepping stone for getting me pregnant. Not only that but I am very close to hitting my insurance deductible, so doing this procedure asap is important to me in order to have a large portion of the procedure paid for by my insurance company. So after making the appointment it occurred to me that they should be informed of my allergy to CT contrast. I also inquired as to whether or not I could still have the procedure because of my allergy. After numerous phone calls I finally was told that it would not be an issue.
So last night I get a call saying the opposite of what I was told. And then I was told that the alternative to the HSG is surgery. So last night I let myself freak out thinking I would be having another abdominal surgery and It would be months out. So naturally I had a meltdown. I let myself worry all night. Having to wait till the morning to call Central Oregon Radiology and figure out what information was true or not was killlllling me. So no sleep for me!
So this morning I spoke with the manager of the imaging department, she was amazing! This morning I was praying that whomever I spoke with would be competent and she was beyond that! She was so informative and helpful!
So now I have all the right information. As of right now I get to keep my appointment, however they will be moving it to St. Charles. Due to my allergy to CT contrast they have to administer medication before the procedure to counteract anaphylaxsis. Afterward they will keep me for observation. This is great news! The HSG is so much less invasive and less expensive, and I can have it done quickly! Hopefully it goes with out an incident and I can put it behind me. Im very nervous but very excited. The last time I had CT contrast was very traumatizing and plain scary. The nurse told me I looked like a smurf because of how blue I was. So Im nervous!
Its been difficult to deal with all of this lately, Its one big emotional roller coaster all the time. There are so many things going on with my being treated for infertility. I feel like Im getting some kind of news or a new bill every other day. Its over whelming to say the least. For myself at this point I am mostly struggling with the emotions and guilt. Its hard to tell yourself to remain positive all the time. It is difficult to use peoples words of encouragement in a positive way. Not everyone knows what to say and a lot of times their words just make me feel angry. Because sometimes those words feel like they are telling me I have no right to feel sad or to feel upset and angry about the situation. I know someone out there has it worse off than I do. Some women are told outright that they will never conceive. I am not one of those women. I have always been given a reason to believe I will have the family I desire. And I would say 80% of the time I am able to keep myself in a positive state of mind. But sometimes I cant, and I am learning that its ok. I am allowed to cry my eyes out and be sad. And I do not have to feel guilty. Because no matter who has it harder or worse than me I still have to deal with my situation day to day and I have to find a way to still be me. This whole experience has been much different than the first time around. Having Bailee and trying for a second child I feel guilty so often. She does not get the best version of me everyday. Days when Im taking Femara and throwing up and dizzy she gets the worst version of me. The short tempered exhausted part of me that wishes she would have slept in or that she took a longer nap or that she would just be content watching tv all day so I can rest and not have to be teetering around the house on the verge of vomiting. Knowing that I am doing all of this so we can hopefully have another child while I have a beautiful one in front of me that I can not fully enjoy breaks my hearts. She deserves only the best. I am slowly finding a way to do better and be better and each month seems to be a little better. My husband is always an amazing blessing and helps in anyway that he can. Any moment he is home he spends making Bailee feel special and makes sure she is having lots of fun. He is truly amazing. Todays events have helped me feel a little more at ease about everything, and I finally feel hopeful again. There are portions of time where I have a very hard time not falling head first into depression because of the constant roller coaster of emotions the ups and downs throughout the month it takes a lot to just shake it off. I am so fortunate to be able to submerge myself in family and friends while I deal with it all. I know I am blessed, I know I have so much to be grateful for. And I truly will be making an extra effort to be more optimistic. Today I am grateful for a woman named Cindy, she made a large portion of my anxiety and worry disappear today. She made a bunch of phone calls on my behalf and I couldnt be more grateful if I tried. Medical stuff is never easy and it seems that I am always on hold or waiting for a call back, she took care of everything for me today like it was her personal mission. It was an incredible relief and just what I needed today.
So all in all: Im getting the procedure I need on Monday. This procedure could be a huge blessing and we could find out that we are pregnant by January. People who have had this procedures who present with my same issues have found it to be successful in helping them get pregnant very quickly afterwards. I am praying we are among those successes.
Last night I got a phone call from my doctors office, they said that they had got a call from Central Oregon Radiology saying that I could not proceed with the appointment I had scheduled with them for an HSG. The reason being my severe allergy to CT contrast. Last week I called them and made my appointment for Monday the 12th of December. I was very hopeful and excited. This procedure is a necessary stepping stone for getting me pregnant. Not only that but I am very close to hitting my insurance deductible, so doing this procedure asap is important to me in order to have a large portion of the procedure paid for by my insurance company. So after making the appointment it occurred to me that they should be informed of my allergy to CT contrast. I also inquired as to whether or not I could still have the procedure because of my allergy. After numerous phone calls I finally was told that it would not be an issue.
So last night I get a call saying the opposite of what I was told. And then I was told that the alternative to the HSG is surgery. So last night I let myself freak out thinking I would be having another abdominal surgery and It would be months out. So naturally I had a meltdown. I let myself worry all night. Having to wait till the morning to call Central Oregon Radiology and figure out what information was true or not was killlllling me. So no sleep for me!
So this morning I spoke with the manager of the imaging department, she was amazing! This morning I was praying that whomever I spoke with would be competent and she was beyond that! She was so informative and helpful!
So now I have all the right information. As of right now I get to keep my appointment, however they will be moving it to St. Charles. Due to my allergy to CT contrast they have to administer medication before the procedure to counteract anaphylaxsis. Afterward they will keep me for observation. This is great news! The HSG is so much less invasive and less expensive, and I can have it done quickly! Hopefully it goes with out an incident and I can put it behind me. Im very nervous but very excited. The last time I had CT contrast was very traumatizing and plain scary. The nurse told me I looked like a smurf because of how blue I was. So Im nervous!
Its been difficult to deal with all of this lately, Its one big emotional roller coaster all the time. There are so many things going on with my being treated for infertility. I feel like Im getting some kind of news or a new bill every other day. Its over whelming to say the least. For myself at this point I am mostly struggling with the emotions and guilt. Its hard to tell yourself to remain positive all the time. It is difficult to use peoples words of encouragement in a positive way. Not everyone knows what to say and a lot of times their words just make me feel angry. Because sometimes those words feel like they are telling me I have no right to feel sad or to feel upset and angry about the situation. I know someone out there has it worse off than I do. Some women are told outright that they will never conceive. I am not one of those women. I have always been given a reason to believe I will have the family I desire. And I would say 80% of the time I am able to keep myself in a positive state of mind. But sometimes I cant, and I am learning that its ok. I am allowed to cry my eyes out and be sad. And I do not have to feel guilty. Because no matter who has it harder or worse than me I still have to deal with my situation day to day and I have to find a way to still be me. This whole experience has been much different than the first time around. Having Bailee and trying for a second child I feel guilty so often. She does not get the best version of me everyday. Days when Im taking Femara and throwing up and dizzy she gets the worst version of me. The short tempered exhausted part of me that wishes she would have slept in or that she took a longer nap or that she would just be content watching tv all day so I can rest and not have to be teetering around the house on the verge of vomiting. Knowing that I am doing all of this so we can hopefully have another child while I have a beautiful one in front of me that I can not fully enjoy breaks my hearts. She deserves only the best. I am slowly finding a way to do better and be better and each month seems to be a little better. My husband is always an amazing blessing and helps in anyway that he can. Any moment he is home he spends making Bailee feel special and makes sure she is having lots of fun. He is truly amazing. Todays events have helped me feel a little more at ease about everything, and I finally feel hopeful again. There are portions of time where I have a very hard time not falling head first into depression because of the constant roller coaster of emotions the ups and downs throughout the month it takes a lot to just shake it off. I am so fortunate to be able to submerge myself in family and friends while I deal with it all. I know I am blessed, I know I have so much to be grateful for. And I truly will be making an extra effort to be more optimistic. Today I am grateful for a woman named Cindy, she made a large portion of my anxiety and worry disappear today. She made a bunch of phone calls on my behalf and I couldnt be more grateful if I tried. Medical stuff is never easy and it seems that I am always on hold or waiting for a call back, she took care of everything for me today like it was her personal mission. It was an incredible relief and just what I needed today.
So all in all: Im getting the procedure I need on Monday. This procedure could be a huge blessing and we could find out that we are pregnant by January. People who have had this procedures who present with my same issues have found it to be successful in helping them get pregnant very quickly afterwards. I am praying we are among those successes.
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